Hedwig the evil owl
by vectronboy2010
Summary: Harry and his friends just want to go about their daily lives but Hedwig has other plans
1. Hedwig eats all the bacon

Harry Potter was sitting in the great hall eating bacon, eggs, and toast as he surveyed the scene before him. Ron and hermione were arguing (again) over who owes who 5 galleons and a chicken.

"Hermione you owe me a 5 galleons and a chicken" Ron said in a singsong voice. "Correct" said an exasperated hermione "you owe me 5 galleons and a chicken." "Okay, so where is my chicken?" Ron asked.

Harry thought this was pretty funny but nonetheless he tried to ignore it.

Over at the staff table McGonagall was looking at umbridge with disgust, she had decided to dye her hair the same color of pink as her outfits.

Really? thought Harry because an ugly pink bow was not enough?

Felling sick by the color, Harry looked over at the slytherin table where he got an even bigger surprise. Draco Malfoy was listening to music on a Sony Discman. "Hey Malfoy, did you know that you're using a muggle prouduct?" Harry yelled.

Malfoy took a look at his CD player and fainted. Everybody laughed at him.

With a screech the post owls flew in carrying mail. Hedwig flew in last and landed next to Harry. "Hello hedwig" harry said to her. "Hello Harry" hedwig replied. Ron and Hermione looked shocked.

"Harry did your owl just speak in a human voice?" Hermione asked him. "Yup" said hedwig "and that's not all I can do, look"

She flew to the front of the great hall and opened her beak, making a noise like a vacum cleaner she gobbled up all the bacon in the great hall as it flew to her. Everyone turned to her in surprise.

"Well" she said "I got to be going now, bye Harry" and she flew off. Snape sat at the staff table laughing his head off with dumbledore and McGonagall looking at him as if he had lost his mind. Umbridge looked at Harry with glee. "AHA I KNEW IT" she shouted "YOUR OWL IS HOPING TO OVERTHROW CORNEILUS FUDGE SO SHE CAN BECOME MINISTER FOR MAGIC HERSELF." Harry just looked at her.

"My father will hear about this" Malfoy yelled

* * *

Lucius Malfoy did hear about it indeed, and he was quite annoyed "how does Delores come to such a ridiculous assumption?" He asked himself. He decided eventually to send a howler demanding answers

He went downstairs to his office to record the howler. Grabbing a chair he sat down in front of an old wind up phonograph. Grabbing the crank he twisted it several times to make sure the spring was tight, but nothing happened. "Reparo" he said tapping his wand on the side of the phonograph causing it to dismantle and repair itself. Now with that done he placed a blank record on the turntable and turned it on.

With the recording complete Lucius played it back once then placed the record on top of a piece of parchment and slipped both into an envelope. As soon as he cast sonouorus on the envolope it turned red. He called down his eagle owl which took one look at the howler and tried to escape, but he cast petrificus totalus on it. " take this to Harry Potter please" he said before releasing the spell and chucking the poor bird out the window.

* * *

The next day...

Harry sat down at the great hall with Ron Hermione and Neville when hedwig arrived, "now don't go eating all the bacon again" Ron and Hermione scolded. Hedwig rolled her eyes "you're no fun" she muttered. Suddenly Lucius Malfoy's eagle owl landed in front of harry carrying a red envolope. "why is Malfoy's father sending me a howler?" he asked as he opened the envelope which began yelling at him.

"HARRY POTTER, WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE THAT MY SON IS WRITING TO ME ABOUT YOUR OWL TALKING AND STEALING PEOPLES BACON! YOU NEED TO KEEP HER UNDER CONTROL! I WILL NOT HAVE HAVE MY SON STARVE BECAUSE YOUR OWL WAS HUNGRY!"

The letter flew over to umbridge

"AND YOU, DELORES, WHAT IS THIS THAT I HEAR ABOUT YOU COMING TO THE ASSUMPTION THAT HARRY'S OWL WANTS TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT JUST BECAUSE IT CAN TALK! DO YOU REALIZE HOW RIDICULOUS THAT SOUNDS? IF I HEAR ANYTHING ELSE LIKE THAT I WILL FEED YOU TO THE GIANT SQUID MYSELF"

The letter shredded itself and everyone stared at it before bursting into laughter. With the laughter died down everyone realize their toast was missing

"Yum yum, that was delicious" hedwig said sitting on the headmasters chair eating the last bit of toast. Upon seeing everyone pointing their wands at her, she blurted out "HARRY MADE ME DO IT" before taking off through a window.

Seconds later the great and powerful Harry Potter ran screaming out of the great hall as everyone else began chasing him around the school wanting revenge for their missing food.

The end


	2. Hedwig traumatizes McGonagall

Professor Mcgonagal was sitting at her desk, looking through and grading some transfiguration essays from last night when she decided she wanted some breakfast. She got up to go to the great hall to eat, but then she sat down as an idea popped into her head.

"DOBBY" she called

The house elf popped in with a loud CRACK. McGonagall turned to him then jumped back and fell over her chair. He was dressed up in a pink cardigan, pink dress, and pink wig with a black bow.

"Dobby, what on earth are you wearing!" said Professor McGonagall after she got up and recovered from the shock.

"Dobby is dressed up as umbridge miss, hedwig said you would find it funny." He said with a grin. "Well" she said, "tell hedwig that I was TRAUMATIZED by that." Then she remembered why she summoned him, "Also, do you think you can bring me some eggs, bacon, and some pancakes please?" She asked him still scared by the outfit.

The elf bowed low to the ground "Yes, Dobby will get miss McGonagall her breakfast, and he will take off his ridiculous outfit" he said before disappearing with a loud pop.

Satisfied, McGonagall sat down and waited for dobby to return. She didn't want to eat in the great hall because hedwig might try to eat her food again. Also seeing snape laughing like that was a terrifying image that she want to think about. In fact, she couldn't remember the last time she saw snape laugh in the great hall, sure she has seen him grin, and sometime even snicker at some inside jokes between them, but she had never seen him laugh like that in the great hall like that.

wait, is that Lucius Malfoy's voice yelling at umbridge? Huh, apparently he thinks that Delores's assumption is also ridiculous, she wasn't expecting that.

She was jarred out of her thoughts when she heard a loud POP. Winky had appeared in front of her carrying a large plate full of fried eggs, pancakes, and piled high with bacon.

"Winky has brought you breakfast, miss" she said. McGonagall smiled, "Thank you winky." With a bow the elf disappeared.

Finally, she was going to enjoy her breakfast. She sat down and grabbed a knife and fork and began to eat.

Hem hem!

McGonagall jumped out of her seat and fell over her chair for the second time today. One she had gotten over her shock again she turned around to scream at umbridge to get herself a cough drop.

But no one was there!

She looked around but couldn't find anyone, however looking up she saw hedwig on the rafters looking at her before laughing hysterically.

"Educational decree number 71." she said in a perfect imitation of umbridge's voice causing McGonagall to fall over in what she was now calling, the chair of doom for the third time today.

Once hedwig has stopped laughing she straightened herself and said, in umbridge's voice " educational decree number 71: ALL YOUR BREAKFAST IS MINE!" She opened her beak and inhaled all of McGonagall's food. However before she could take flight, McGonagall sent a stunning spell at the bird and she fell to the ground.

McGonagall was about to yell at her weak for her bad behavior, but first she needed to save Harry form the mob of angry students who had just barged into her room.


	3. Snape vomits slugs

"Now really" said a very angry Professor McGonagall "what is this madness, why are you chasing Harry around Hogwarts with knives and forks?"

Dean Thomas spoke up. "Because hedwig ate our breakfast, And we want to know why!" "Well!" McGonagall said "I have managed to stun Hedwig, so let's ask her." They turned to where Hedwig was supposed to be sitting.

But she was gone!

"Hmmm" said a very intruged professor McGonagall. "it appears that Hedwig is missing, she must be immune to the stunning spell." Several people gasped in horror. "I'm sure that hedwig will be back, but don't you guys have classes in a few minutes?" She asked.

"Yes," many of the students said.

"Well, you better get going, I think some of you have potions class next." She said nodding to a 5th year gryffindor. Immediately all the students scrambled to get to their classes before the bell rang.

* * *

Hedwig soared through the sky as she left the grounds of hogwarts. She had managed to shake off Professor McGonagall's stunning spell as the rest of the students barged into her office. "Silly professor." She said to herself, "owls are clearly immune to all but the most powerful stunning spells. That's why Lucius's eagle owl, Alex, gets hit with a full body bind curse when Lucius tries to send a howler. At least, that's what Alex told me."

Hedwig flew over grassy plains and rolling hills as she approached the Leaky cauldron. Ever since the bacon incident, she had been looking up more spells to use and discovered a few spells that she couldn't wait to try out, however, they required a wand. So, she was heading to Olivanders to get a wand.

As she landed on a building across from olivanders, she heard Luna singing a strange song, "that's cute" Hedwig thought, "I wonder what snape would look like singing such a song?" She pushed the though away as she stepped inside Olivanders'.

10 minutes later she stepped out of the shop with her wand in hand. She, much to the surprise of Mr Olivander, had managed to get her wand on the first try. She put her wand in a certain place under her feathers and headed back to Hogwarts

She went to the library and asked Madam pince to retrieve _1000 ways to use magic to harass your friends and family_ from the shelf (since she as an owl and didn't have any hands), but she was busy.

"Eh, oh well" Hedwig thought before using the her wand to the levitate the book down, then she turned to page 394 and saw the spell she was looking for

 **The slug vomiting charm**

This spell is activated with the incantation "Eat slugs", when cast successfully the victim will vomit slugs for a period of about 2-5 minutes.

"Sounds interesting" Hedwig mused to herself as she shut the book and put it back eager to test out the spell

And she knew who to choose as her first victim

* * *

In the Potions class, Snape was teaching the students how to create a Brainwashing Beverage with the Gryffindors and the Slytherins. Harry was adding the shredded toad legs, when Malfoy spoke to him.

"Hey Harry do you want to grab some lunch after class?" He asked. "Sure" said Harry but then he became confused, "why?" He's asked, but before Draco could answer, Professor Snape interrupted them.

MALFOY! 50 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR FOR TALKING, 100 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR FOR TALKING TO JAMES POTTER'S OFFSPRING, AND 500 MORE POINTS FROM GRIFFYNDOR FOR EVEN THINKING ABOUT GOING OUT TO TO LUNCH WITH THE SPAWN OF JAMES POTTER!"

"But sir, I'm in sly-"

"I DONT CARE!" Snape yelled at him "500 POINTS FROM HUFFLEPUFF BECAUSE YOU HAVE BLONDE HAIR!" Snape turned and went to bother Neville. Nobody noticed the snowy owl sitting on Snape's desk.

* * *

Hedwig flew out of the library, down the dungeons, and into Snape's classroom landing on one of the rafters, 'Is Draco Malfoy really trying to befriend Harry? how amusing.' she thought before being scared out of her wits by Snape's screaming causing her to fall off the rafters and land on Snape's desk.

"Ouch." she muttered as she landed headfirst before picking herself back up on her feet. As Snape started bothering Neville, Hedwig decided that now was the right time. She pulled out her wand, pointed it at Snape, and whispered the spell

'Eat Slugs"

* * *

"Longbottom!" Snape sneered, "Why is your potion bright red? It's supposed to be a sickly yell-" But before snape could finish his sentence a jet of blue light struck him and he fell to the floor. It was then that everyone gasped as they saw Hedwig sitting on the desk holding a wand.

"Hedwig! What have you done?!" Yelled hermione

"Oh relax, he'll be fine" she said with an evil chuckle

When Snape got up again a few seconds later he looked extremely sick. He took a step forward before vomiting several slugs into Neville's cauldron which started changing to a bright pink and began bubbling violently

Neville gasped and ducked under his desk along with every other student, while Snape got up off the floor after vomiting another pile of slugs. He took a look at the bubbling pink potion in the cauldron before he his eyes went wide as he realized what was about to happen.

"Uh-oh"

BOOM!

The cauldron exploded sending the potion everywhere. When the smoke cleared, everyone looked horrified for several seconds before bursting into laughter

The potion did not affect the walls and ceiling, however, it had turned Professor Snape's clothes and hair a bright orange.

Obviously, unlike the rest of the class, Professor Snape did not find his new color change amusing at all.

"LONGBOTTOM! 9000 POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW FOR PAINTING ME ORANGE!" Professor Snape screamed at him before turning to Harry.

"POTTER 3000 POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN AND 20 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR BEACUSE HEADWIG IS NOW PURPLE!"

The class looked at the now purple owl before bursting out into laughters again.

"Class dismissed" Snape growled


End file.
